Control and power.

What do these words bring up for you as you read them? For me, it’s a visual of government court (I think this is one of the few channels we had as a kid haha!) and also something from Greek mythology with fancy hats and robes and those in power riding on horses. What do you see and feel when you think of control and power?

What happens if we imagine this trait on a continuum with one end exerting and practicing full control of self and others and the other end being under the power of others? As with anything, control can be used as a tool and to our own detriment.

In fact it is one of the most powerful and thought-invoking strategies used in counselling by children and adults alike simply by asking the question - what can you control?

These very simple words have the ability to shine a flashlight on areas that we can control, thus inspiring action and change; while at the same time, diminishing and reducing the strength of what we can’t control.

Gottman is a well-known psychologist in the area of couples counselling but I believe his impact can extend to many other areas. Gottman’s research indicates that 69% of disagreements between couples will/can not be resolved, and rather can be improved with communication and perspective work.

In this case, our perspective is on what we can control. Imagine in your mind a new challenge, something that has popped up unexpectedly perhaps, something that is taking space in your mind/heart, an issue that does not have an obvious solution. And ask yourself this - what can you control. I encourage you to take five deep breaths while considering this question and see what comes up…

This type of control is in our benefit. This view and opinion of what we can and can’t control has the ability to shift our everyday life. So our job is to re-define control and power for ourselves. From something awful and demeaning to something productive and helpful.

If we go back to Gottman’s research and recognize that it is likely a very small percentage of issues around us will be “resolved” perhaps this one question has the ability to help us shift our lens and see the situation in a new light.

And remember, the next time your child comes to you with a difficulty, after you’ve taken the time to validate and sit with the emotion, try this one simple tool - what can you control? It’s powerful, I assure you!